I've been meaning to write but the words aren't coming. My head has been a jumble of thoughts and ideas and words that I can't seem to make sense of or put down on paper. I walk around all day asking myself 'what am I doing with my life?' 'what do I want from my life?' 'how can I be content?' and it's hard to share anything else in this space when my head is flooded with those half-baked thoughts.
On top of my busy monkey brain (I meditate almost daily but still can't shut it off) I'm taking care of 2 sick children, had a house guest last weekend and my MacBook Air decided to finally die on me Monday morning. So sitting down to write anything has been even more of a challenge. I like to stay on top of things here. Plan blog posts at least a few weeks in advance and generally I keep to that schedule. But lately, the words aren't there. I look at my calendar and don't want to write what I had planned to write. Don't want to write anything, for that matter. My energies are being pulled in 100 different directions in this season and I can't seem to take a minute to breathe let alone update this blog.
I think the problem is that I have a lot of things that I want to do. A lot of things that I hope to do and plan to do but I don't know where they lead. What the end looks like. And it's difficult to start out on a path when you don't know where it leads. It's difficult to put all of your eggs in this one basket not knowing if the end result will be fruitful or be what you wanted or where you imagined going. Difficult isn't the right word. Terrifying, anxiety-inducing, scary as hell. But the joy is in the doing. Sure it's easy to step off the path when you can't see where it leads, but if you enjoy the steps along the way, it won't matter where it leads. You'll have those experiences, that knowledge that you earned along the way. No matter the outcome.
It's easy in this age and in this place to be temped by things and paths that are immediately satisfying. Taking the easy way out has never been, well, easier. A thousand different ways to have an identity that I've been longing to have right at my fingertips. But do I want any of those? Or do I want to work hard, take the scenic route, and finally get what I've been looking for? It's time to put on blinders. To keep my head down. To not be distracted by shiny new things. Keep taking steps along this path that I've created for myself even though I can't see where it leads. Stay the course, do the work. Whatever happens in the end, it'll all be worth it because it will have been what I wanted. Not what came easily, not what looked 'cool', not what everyone else was doing. It will be an outcome of my own making, or just a really great lesson learned along the way.