I Was A Mother


i was a mother before i gave birth.

i was a mother in november of 2011. i had been married for less than 3 months. i had been pregnant for less than 10 weeks. but i was a mother. 

when that pregnancy ended and with it, a little bit of my confidence and hope and aspirations, i was somehow still a mother.

i was a mother when i rushed myself to the emergency room. i was a mother when i sat in the cold hospital bed waiting to be told what i knew was true. i was a mother when the bleeding wouldn't stop, but no one would confirm my fears.

i was a mother those days in between doctor visits. waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for tests.

i was a mother when the final exam came back negative. when there were no more pregnancy hormones left in my body. when i was sent home with a good luck and a sorry face. 

i was a mother when i cried myself to sleep for weeks. failed classes. sat in the shower for an hour trying to wash it all away.

i was a mother that christmas eve at my parent's house. taking what seemed like the millionth pregnancy test.

i was a mother when i saw those two little pink lines and thought my eyes were betraying me. when i was scared to say anything. too scared to believe. to hope. to want.

and, still, i was a mother nine months later on my husband's birthday when we welcomed that rainbow baby in to the world. 

about 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. most women don't even notice because it happens and it's assumed to be a menstrual cycle. i don't aim to diminish the occurrence of a miscarriage, but hope to inform those who have suffered, are suffering, or who just don't know. so while yesterday was mother's day and mothers are enjoying breakfast in bed, mimosas and handmade cards, there are just as many mothers out there who have yet to meet their babies. who never had a chance. who are trying to figure out how to feel on this day. that woman you know trying to get pregnant? going through IVF? working through her first, second, fourth miscarriage? she's a mother too. give her some love. she just might need it more that you do.