Sorry, I can't

I've become a creature of habit. I love my home. My car. My walks. My bike path. 

I love my routine. However crazed and inconsistent. I love being at home in my bubble. 

I'm an introvert and I like it. I'm no longer painfully shy like I was as a child. I can hold my own at a networking event or a conference or even just drinks with new friends. But my energy comes from my simple home life. The familiar whirr of the coffee grinder. The incessant questions from 4yr olds. Watering the plants, reading a book. Being at home. In my space. Unencombered by outside stressors, ideals, opinions. 

I may have taken it too far. Since my struggle with PPD, I know I spend much more of my time inside or around my home. Alone. With just my family. I used to feel trapped that way but too scared to change it. Now, I don't feel so trapped, but I do want to change. It's hard to live a certain way for years and not realize what it's doing to you. Being a 'homebody' is quaint. I honestly prefer to spend my evenings playing Scrabble with Brad and a bottle of wine to going out to dinner or drinks or whatever. I do. But I would like to feel comfortable with having both options in my life.

Be comfortable leaving the house without changing my outfit 5 times. Be confident in my choice of restaurant or transportation or hairstyle. Be out and doing and not feel like I'm being watched. 

So when I'm invited out to the beach or for a walk or to lunch with a new (or old) friend, I freeze. I want to develop new friendships. I'm desperate for connection and love and relationships. Truly truly desperate. But I'm not yet at a place where I can uproot my routine, however simple or mundane or uncomplicated it may be, and do something new. Outside of my comfort zone. It takes a lot for me to get out there. It's something I'm working tirelessly on. But in the age of social media, it's far too easy to fall in to the homebody trap and never leave.

'See? All of my friends are right here! Tucked in to these little squares on Instagram!' 

Real connection doesn't come from a square. It comes from being up and doing. So if you're like me and would rather stay at home, know you're not alone. And if you're wondering why I or someone you know can't seem to RSVP yes to any outings, maybe give her a little grace and a little time and a little space. Don't give up on her. She's working on it. And she'll come around.