Is ambition innate or is it a learned behavior? Is the desire there to achieve something outside of ourselves, or are we called from something higher. And when we feel pulled towards different, often conflicting arenas, how do we know which is the path to follow?
I have a strong ambition to raise happy, healthy, children a certain way. I feel so strongly about how Brad and I approach parenting that it often leads to late night living room arguments. We both feel so strongly and so much for these little ones that sometimes our ambition for what's best for our children clouds the real purpose behind it which is always love. We love so strongly and so deeply that we want our children to have all of the best things - we each have different approaches to this but the desire, the ambition, is still there.
Then there's a desire to work. To be of service. To add some good in to the world.
My desires here are not lead by love but by an outside force. The little voice in my mind that says 'go bigger' or worse, 'if she can do it you can too'. I suppose it's the beast that is our social age. I long for the days when I was happy and content and thriving being a stay-at-home mama blogging about our daily lives with no idea there was anything beyond that for my 'work'.
Do I want to provide for my family? Yes. Do I want to be able to go on a vacation? Yes. Do I want to sometimes buy nice things like shop in the expensive groceries? Yes.
But that isn't ambition. There's no real ambition or love or connection behind it. I have to reach one step deeper and find the love behind the want of 'providing for my family'. It's there - it's less tangible and can't be put in to words but it is there. It speaks much softer than my ambition and desires for my children but it's there, more than a whisper, reminding me to keep going. Some days it's louder and some days I feel as if it's gone away. But I know it's there and I know it will be back when it seems to be lost.